I OPENED MY EYES, and the sight was thoroughly terrifying. A
lanky, redhead male, with a toothy grin was staring straight at me. He was only
inches from my face. It took me straight back to my worst nightmares. Red
Savage. The guy who’s haunted me since I was a teenager, and who accused me
throughout my early days as a believer. Early days doesn’t quite cover the amount
of time he’s haunted me. It’s been almost six years since I started following
Christ with all that’s in me, and he’s been dogging me hard, especially the
last six or so months.
“You are worthless.” His breath was terrible, and his words stung.
Sarah—the awesomest girl I’ve ever known—just broke up with me two
weeks ago. It was just a month ago that you last heard from me; when Red was
put to flight by my friend Connor, and Sarah was reassured in my stance for
purity. In the month that followed a whole lot of things happened. First,
I got a full-time job. Second, I started the process of officially moving from
Desert Valley, California to Ozark Ridge, Missouri. Third, I became incredibly
depressed and easily frustrated. Sarah was amazing though, and was walking
through it with me. She wanted to help me. She wanted to see me succeed. She
wanted me to see Christ clearly in a time when all I could see was my failures
and insecurities. But me being the fool that I am told her to stop trying to
help me; I basically told her, “If you’re going to try to act like my wife,
let’s just get married and make it official.” She didn’t deserve it. And then
that fateful day came around.
It was a Sunday. I woke up late, almost decided against going to
church, and instead showed up late. I was frustrated by the sermon,
because the preacher was speaking about the “victorious Christian life,” and I
couldn’t see anything in my life that screamed, “Victory here!” After church, I
went to work, and after work I was going to Sarah’s dorm to see her for a few
before she went to bed. It was supposed to be a surprise, and on my way out of
work I pulled out my phone to call her, and saw that my mom wanted me to call.
In that moment, I decided to put my mom ahead of Sarah for once. During the
phone call, I became extremely frustrated, and then after hanging up, I started
complaining to Sarah. She called my sister Noelle down, since I was complaining
about family situations. Long story short, I started complaining about my dad,
my stroke, my life, and everything else. I ran out of the dorm and Noelle
followed me as Sarah watched from the door. The story ended with me yelling,
cussing, claiming God hates me, saying I was going to h#ll, and various other
things. I sped away back to my apartment, and went to bed.
The next morning I woke up on time, spent time with the Lord, and
apologized for my cr#p the night before. It was an awesome morning, and then
Sarah came over for coffee. She wanted to talk about the night before, but I
had had such a good morning, I tried to divert the conversation away. That was
the last time we talked as a dating couple. But before she left, she kissed me
on the cheek, and it meant the world to me; she also looked deeply into my
eyes, as if to say, “I love you, and want you to beat this thing.”
Red spoke again, still inches from my face. “Love. What a joke.
What kind of love leaves you in your time of greatest need?”
And I wanted to agree with him. I was planning my life around that
girl. I was moving to Missouri for her. I was fighting lust for her. I was
trying to be responsible for her. I stopped smoking, even recreationally, for
her. I loved her. I would have traded the whole temporal world for her, but it
wasn’t to be.
“God is so deceptive, isn’t He?” Red sneered. “What kind of good
God would lure you out to Missouri with a girl and then have her break up with
you? It’s cruel, isn’t it?”
I had to admit. He was right. But then the thought struck me: This
is what you wanted all along, you stupid sh#tface.
“No. I wanted you to have her for yourself even two months ago.
Remember when you guys were snuggling and watching that movie, and you both
were thinking about getting closer to each other? You guys should have. If you
had, she’d still be around. I’m not the bad guy here. It’s God. You know
what you told Sarah two weeks ago about wanting more than anything to turn your
back on God and pursue sin again? Why didn’t you? Why don’t you now? It’s not
like she’s around anymore to tell you what to do or not do. She’s not around
anymore to keep your pants on around other girls. She’s not around anymore to
keep you off the internet. She’s not around anymore to criticize your
personality type. Count your blessings and enjoy yourself!” He slapped me in
the face.
“Shut up!” I yelled, with some other words thrown in as well. I
don’t know if I’m allowed to cuss at the sinful part of my psyche, but I did,
so it’s too late now. “She’s the clearest picture of my future wife that I
have. She’s made all the old images blurry. Everything that I would have done
for her; everything I was fighting you to possess for her, I still need for
whoever is in my future. So please, Red Savage, take your sorry little #ss out
of my face and go to h#ll where you belong.”
I continued, “I’ve known for the last seven months that you didn’t
want me with Sarah. The pressure against me has been way too strong, and it
almost drove me to suicide, but thanks be to God for the Shepherd’s Conference
three days after that fateful Sunday that reminded me of the truth of the
gospel. I can’t do anything to lose my standing before God. You can’t do
anything to make me lose my standing with God. It’s those truths that got me
through the last two weeks since the breakup.”
Red jumped in. “But you went back to the internet. You’re
worthless. You don’t deserve God. You didn’t deserve Sarah. You don’t deserve
anyone. And since I finally won the battle of Sarah and you, you’re going
to be miserable and single the rest of your life. That was the woman God had
chosen for you, and she dumped you, so I win.
“Just go ahead and enjoy all the porn and drugs and sex and
alcohol you want. They’ll make you feel better.” He slapped me again. “Then,
when you’re sick of all that sh#t, you can kill yourself and join me for
eternity.”
“You’re a persistant little #sshole, aren’t you?" I accused.
"I’ll be real clear: I was tempted to return to the internet, and I might
have browsed for a really long time, but I stayed away from porn. I’m never
going back. You lose that fight. And whether or not Sarah was supposed to be my
future wife, I really don’t know at this point, but if she was, God is in total
control. You might be rejoicing now, but God’s plan always wins out. Read
Revelation. You end up in the lake of fire. I’m dressed in white worshipping
Him for eternity. And if she wasn’t supposed to be my wife and some other woman
is, Sarah had to be out of the picture eventually, so thank you. The point is,
you lose.” I spat at him. “Now get the h#ll out of my face, and let me go back
to sleep.”
“You haven’t won. I’ll be back.” He slapped me again as he turned
to leave.
The last thing I remembered as I fell asleep again was the clock
reading 4:35 AM, Friday, March 27, 2016.
